I'm ashamed to say it, but gossip is good for business here at the Today Cafe.
For the gossip I have to thank the Sunday afternoon meeting of Licketyville's Scandalite Society. For the business I have to thank the buzz-hungry citizens of Licketyville who don't belong to the Scandalite Society. Mavis Wrencher, for one.
Yesterday, I gave Mavis a free wedgie of our Mapricot Macadamia Cheesecake. For those of you who don't know about Mapricot, it's a hybrid grown only in Licketyville: a sweet apricot crossed with a maple. Not only does it taste great, but the fruit have really fabulous fall colors!
If you can keep a secret, I'll let on that the mapricot was Genetically Engineered right here at Licketyville High School. If you can't keep a secret, it's the result of three hundred years of 100% natural cross-breeding by the descendents of Gregor Mendel. Or at least that's what the LHS kids told me to say to nosy outsiders.
Damn, I hate it when keystrokes go so far awry. Carlotta B., our Today Cafe bookkeeper, who has no compunction whatever about looking over my shoulder when I'm trying to pound out these posts, just pointed out a dreadful typo: with the addition of one little "i" a few paragraphs up, Mavis' innocent wedge of cheesecake became a cheesecake wedgie, whatever rude thing that might be. Whatever you do, don't ruin your day trying to picture a cheesecake wedgie!!! But thank you Carlotta for pointing that out. You're fired! (just kidding -- I was only trying to imitate Professor Combover, aka The Donald)
Now where was I? Oh. I was about to explain that the reason I gave Mavis that wedge was for her creativity in eavesdropping. She wore her trademark fruit-plate hat of course, but got her hubby to hide one of those long-distance shotgun microphones in its plastic banana. Then he somehow wired it into her hearing aid. Mavis sat three tables away from the Scandalites and pretended to be hard at work studying her King James, but her head-bobbing gave her away, I think. Not to be rude, but what Henry Smurnikov said was right: she really did look like a palsied sheep who'd just head-butted a fruit stand.
Still, Mavis did capture one juicy piece of Scandalite gossip. Unfortunately, since it involved the proprietor of Licketyville's Today Cafe, I'm not about to tell you what it was. You'll just have to ask Mavis.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
- - Harlan Ellison
Have a really smart Monday.
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