"I'm thinking of starting something like Junior Achievement in Licketyville."
That was Big Jim Kandorski's opening volley. It was just after two pee em, which made it just after this month's Chamber of Commerce luncheon wrapped up. If Big Jim is at the Today Cafe after a C of C meeting, it means he's too aggravated to go back to his office and needs to bend somebody's ear. Lucky me.
I metered out a mug of industrial grade Global Warmer Blend and set it down, pretending I didn't hear his opening volley. "You need cream today, Big Jim?," I asked. I've learned from experience that it's better not to take the bait.
"Half-and-half, if you've got it. I'm on a diet today. And don't think that if you pretend not to hear me, you're going to escape. I gotta get this idea off my chest…and you're Licketyville's Official Listener. Besides, you're going to like this idea; it's cynical."
"C'mon, Big Jim. I'm trying to quit...haven't touched a drop of cynicism in three days."
"Cheer up, Shorty. Life's hard, then you die."
Big Jim finds it entertaining to call a six-footer Shorty (probably for the same inversionist reason he calls his Mickey Rooney-sized self Big Jim). "Okay, lay it on me. But don't bad-mouth the C of C today. Please."
"Deal. They're about as much use as a wax teapot in Death Valley, but I'll stay away from bad-mouthing them. I promise."
I rolled my eyes; Big Jim winked. "You gotta learn to accept reality a little better, Shorty. Anyway, here's my idea. It came to me this morning after reading about the Billionaires for Bush organization. After sitting through the Chamber of Cretins rubber chicken hoo-hah, I figured I had to get serious about it." I gulped.
"It's all about honesty. Why be such hypocrites? If we're going to teach kids about business, let's not waste time on trivial nonsense like double-entry bookkeeping, inventory control, budgeting, product development, quality circles...you know what I'm talking about. Let's teach them what REALLY matters if what you wanna do is make big bucks. Let's give 'em workshops on bribery and lobbying, spin-meistering and half-truthing, collusion and creative ethics, plus loophole-finding and legal intimidation. Let's teach environmental degradation for fun and profit, show 'em the ten best places to hide toxic waste, how to blame the victims, outsource customer service to people who can't speak English, get out the axe and do layoffs for instant profits...all the GOOD stuff."
When Big Jim paused to catch his breath, I interrupted. I just had to. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's one thing to be a harmless amateur lower case cynic like me, but it's entirely something else to be CYNICAL in all caps. Next thing, you're going to escalate up to being CYNICAL in all caps AND 72 point bold type. You can't let the C of C push you over the cliff like that, Big Jim. It's just not worth it."
He put that Rueful Contrition twist to the left corner of his mouth and dropped his voice down a couple clicks. "You're right, Shorty. Better to do what my grandpa always wanted to do with all the lawyers and real estate agents. Invite 'em on a free cruise to the South Pacific. Free banquets, free drinks, free erotic companions, the whole burrito grande."
"I guess I don't follow you. You're saying turn the other cheek?"
"Hell no, Shorty. I'm saying you pull the plug right around the Tonga Trench. Except for the crew and the erotic companions. They get airlifted to Samoa."
"Oh. Dare I ask what the C of C wanted to do that got you so aggravated? They trying to persuade Madge to subdivide the Eight Farms for tract housing again? Repeal the No Franchise Ordinance?"
"Naw, nothing like that. They were just being THEM, you know? You oughta go to these things, Shorty. You're still a member, right?"
"Yeah, the Today Cafe is still a member. But my heart can't take all that much concentrated excitement in the middle of the day."
"Got it. You're a coward. But don't you like my cynical idea for educating our youth about REALITY?"
"There you go, speaking in ALL CAPS again."
"Okay, go ahead: stonewall me, Shorty. I can take it. But at least go back in your office and check out www.billionairesforbush.com. It'll brighten up your day. And along those lines, I've got a rampartism for you: A penny saved is worth two in the Bush. Capitalization intended. Think about it."
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain; and most fools do." -- Dale Carnegie
Just foolin'.
Speaking in all CAPS? I'm going to have to use that one. Crack me up, T.
Posted by: Edgy Mama | September 13, 2005 at 06:15 PM