The Truth About Nude Book Readings

Maybe you can help me decide.

Seven of the Scandalites were at it this afternoon over a doozy of a rumor. Or is it "doozie"? Anyway, they all had salads. Every one of them. Seven succulent, svelte and slimmish salads instead of their usual Friday fare: seven LicketyChick burgers with all the trimmings and seven Cocoa Blast malteds with real whipped cream and flaked dark chocolate on top.

The doozy/doozie is not that they had those salads, per se. It's because of they ordered those salads not thirty seconds after Lissa Flaymore dropped her bombshell: there are going to be nude book readings in the Licket Mansion. That's what Mork Fanzer said, at least. And Mork was in a perfect position to eavesdrop, being in the next booth pretending he was dozing during his usual mid-afternoon lull.

After Shonni, the afternoon chef, jammed a plastic bucket over my head to try to squelch my hysterical laughter, Mork worked really hard to convince me that there's a connection between eating salads and nude book readings in the Licket Mansion. As in, these seven Scandalites were getting themselves in shape, just in case they got invited to a nude book reading. That's Mork's theory, and although he's not really from the planet Ork (and his real name is Harold), our Mork's mission in life is a whole lot like the Mork's (the Robin Williams character) from that old sitcom, Mork and Mindy: to observe the bizarre customs of the earthlings and then report back to his great Orkan leader, Orson. Except that the Today Cafe's Mork reports back to Yours Truly, not Orson.

Thing is, I know EXACTLY where that bizarre rumor got started. My brother, Scott. Yes, the very same Scott who did such a magnificent job of programming the new look of this blog (he's a software engineer as well as a writer, near-futurist and reverend). Scott was up from LA to check on the restoration of the Licket Mansion. The third floor, in particular, which is where The Story Loft is going to be.

"I sure appreciate your patience, Mr. Ellison. It's going to be worth the wait. You can trust me on that." Lissa Flaymore was doing the talking. Lissa the realtor and leasing agent. Lissa the Scandalite...the very cute, very single, very raven-haired Scandalite.

"I'm absolutely certain I can trust you on that, Miss Flaymore," said my spot-on courteous brother. "But can I trust you with a little secret? We've got a whole bunch of celebrities who are going be coming up here to help launch our new book reading program. I don't know if we'll be able to get Tom Cruise, but we're trying." He was just kidding about Tom Cruise.

So here's where I need your help. Should the proper category for this post be "The Scandalites", or maybe "You Didn't Hear It Here?" Or something else?

While I'm waiting for your ideas, we're taking up a collection to buy Lissa a big box of Q-Tips.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true." -- Winston Churchill

Go ahead: hear what you want to hear today. You deserve it.

The Shotgun Banana Wedgie

I'm ashamed to say it, but gossip is good for business here at the Today Cafe.

For the gossip I have to thank the Sunday afternoon meeting of Licketyville's Scandalite Society. For the business I have to thank the buzz-hungry citizens of Licketyville who don't belong to the Scandalite Society. Mavis Wrencher, for one.

Yesterday, I gave Mavis a free wedgie of our Mapricot Macadamia Cheesecake. For those of you who don't know about Mapricot, it's a hybrid grown only in Licketyville: a sweet apricot crossed with a maple. Not only does it taste great, but the fruit have really fabulous fall colors!

If you can keep a secret, I'll let on that the mapricot was Genetically Engineered right here at Licketyville High School. If you can't keep a secret, it's the result of three hundred years of 100% natural cross-breeding by the descendents of Gregor Mendel. Or at least that's what the LHS kids told me to say to nosy outsiders.

Damn, I hate it when keystrokes go so far awry. Carlotta B., our Today Cafe bookkeeper, who has no compunction whatever about looking over my shoulder when I'm trying to pound out these posts, just pointed out a dreadful typo: with the addition of one little "i" a few paragraphs up, Mavis' innocent wedge of cheesecake became a cheesecake wedgie, whatever rude thing that might be. Whatever you do, don't ruin your day trying to picture a cheesecake wedgie!!! But thank you Carlotta for pointing that out. You're fired! (just kidding -- I was only trying to imitate Professor Combover, aka The Donald)

Now where was I? Oh. I was about to explain that the reason I gave Mavis that wedge was for her creativity in eavesdropping. She wore her trademark fruit-plate hat of course, but got her hubby to hide one of those long-distance shotgun microphones in its plastic banana. Then he somehow wired it into her hearing aid. Mavis sat three tables away from the Scandalites and pretended to be hard at work studying her King James, but her head-bobbing gave her away, I think. Not to be rude, but what Henry Smurnikov said was right: she really did look like a palsied sheep who'd just head-butted a fruit stand.

Still, Mavis did capture one juicy piece of Scandalite gossip. Unfortunately, since it involved the proprietor of Licketyville's Today Cafe, I'm not about to tell you what it was. You'll just have to ask Mavis.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
- - Harlan Ellison

Have a really smart Monday.